Going batty over feral humans
The bats of the Lower Clarence have recently held a meeting to discuss the problems feral humans (which are rumoured to be boat people) are causing in their community.
These boat people apparently arrived some time ago down south somewhere and have been spreading across the country causing problems with the locals wherever they have turned up.
Spokesman for the bats, Rufus, said: "We don't want any of these boat scum in our community. If you let even one of them into the community then it quickly becomes a ghetto.
"They put their boxes up everywhere, vandalism and the crime rate go through the roof, they start cutting down bat houses and harassing law abiding bats that are going about their daily business."
He then added: "After a hard nights work out in the forest pollinating the trees and trying to earn a living so that they can feed their children, they return home to get a good days rest only to find that they are continually harassed by the humans making loud noises and throwing things at them.
"And the racket coming from the place where they keep their young, which are apparently called schools, is quite unbelievable -screaming, screeching and yelling. It is almost impossible to get some sleep.
"Also, there is a foul stench coming from their camps. Some of this comes from the tin boxes they move about in, some from the mechanical contraptions that they push around the grass on weekends, and some from evil smelling burning weeds which they have in their mouths."
The bats have hired an environmental consultant, who after an extensive study of the problem has recommended that Maclean and Iluka be bulldozed and the trees left to reclaim the area and restore it to its former pristine condition.
However, some bats have said that this would only be a short-term solution and that the humans should be rounded up and sent back to where they originally came from -'The African Solution' the bats called it.
The Africans are understood to be resisting this idea, particularly the chimpanzees and the gorillas, who said that the human's behaviour was an embarrassment to the whole family and they did not want them back.
However, a group of red-neck extremist bats has called for the total eradication of the species, saying that the humans had arrived uninvited, were illegal immigrants, were an introduced feral pest that caused massive environmental destruction, and were obviously vermin by any definition of the word.
A vote was held which was attended by all the bats, plus other interested groups such as the marsupials, birds, fish, reptiles and the local vegetation, plus a few mammals.
The result of this vote, which was nearly unanimous, was that eradication was the best solution. Dogs and cats were undecided and wanted more time to consider the merits of the proposal.
As a result of the community consensus vote, a deputation has been sent to Mother Earth to see if humans can be evicted from the planet, as they are bad neighbours who create problems everywhere they are found and don't seem able to get on with anyone.
Mother Nature is considering the proposal and was last seen muttering to herself: "Better an empty house than a bad tenant."
[Photograph and text,The Daily Examiner, letter to the editor column, 10 November 2009]