Teh Red Herring gets fan mail

The NSW North Coast has a number of fairly regular letter to the editor correspondents, but none more prolific than Fred Perring in the Clarence Valley.
Fred's published letters are greeted with a smile at absurdity or a groan of real pain in many Valley households.
Here is a 'fan' letter that made it into print in The Daily Examiner on 16 November 2009.

Wasted time

I DON'T know why all those academics waste years of their time and money learning all about physics, chemistry, mathematics, meteorology, climatology, geology, biology, ecology, statistical analysis and such.
I mean you have to go to university for three or four years, then do an honours year of study on a project, then if you are good enough, spend another two or three years to become somewhat expert in some field of study by gaining a PhD, and working for more years in the area of your chosen field to continually improve your knowledge and skills.
Instead of spending all of that time and money gaining considerable knowledge and expertise, just become a bulldozer driver like Fred, and you will automatically become an expert on anything and have strong opinions on everything (even things you don't have the slightest knowledge about).
Pay some earthmoving company a few hundred bucks to show you which knobs to move on the bulldozer, then go down to the RTA and sit for the licence.
Once you have done this you will become an expert in climate change, bat migration behaviour, politics, economics, whether or not sea levels are rising.
Complex issues like the functioning of the world's economy and the workings of the planet will be like child's play for you - after all, all you will need is a strong opinion and a typewriter to write letters to the editor.
You won't need to bother with trivialities like evidence, proofs, statistical analysis on any issue. Think how simple life will become.
So next time you have a bad pain behind your temple and a strange discharge coming out your nose, don't bother to get the opinion of a neurosurgeon, give Fred a call.
And if you think the safety/ survival of yourself and your children is at risk from catastrophic climate change, stop worrying, Fred has declared it to be a greenie conspiracy, and all those scientists who are giving daily warnings about impending danger are either mad, or even worse, 'greenies'.
For those of you who have had the misfortune not to have seen one of Fred's letters I will give a summary of the letters to the editor he has written (or is ever likely to write).
Regarding politics - the Liberal/National Party can do nothing wrong, the Labor Party can do nothing right, John Howard is God (or at least Fred's version thereof).
If there is a bushfire somewhere it is not caused by the red-neck idiot that lit it with a match or cigarette lighter, it is the greenies fault. After all everyone knows that National Parks spontaneously burst into flame at the slightest opportunity (or they seem to since humans arrived?).
If your football team lost or your chooks won't lay eggs or your car won't start it is being caused by those greenies somehow.
So I personally will rest safe and secure in my bed knowing Fred is on the job, solving all of the world's problems with his trusty typewriter (I somehow think that Fred is pre-computer era).

M CASEY,

Grafton.

Sometimes it seems we just can't win when it comes to water......

ABC Rural News on 13th November 2009:

Australia is running out of recycled water, as the nation's drains and sewers dry up.
Managing director of agricultural research consultancy Arris Pty Ltd, Dr Daryl Stevens, says flows into most Australian sewage treatment plants are declining dramatically, especially in drought-affected country towns.
He says water restrictions, more efficient water-using appliances and recycling of water in homes and on farms are all contributing, and Australia's sewage system may struggle to cope with waste.
"The amount and volumes of water have decreased 25 to 50 per cent going in to some sewage treatment plants," he says.
"One of the tricky things is the whole sewage system is designed on a certain volume of water flushing through it to carry all the solids that are mixed up in the water."

National Party candidate cannot be serious

ON the day Tania Murdock announced she would nominate as the National Party candidate for the federal seat of Richmond (in northern NSW), she was at Tweed Heads Local Court trying to pass herself off as a Queenslander to avoid a driver’s licence suspension.

The Tweed Daily News report continues:

The Roads and Traffic Authority had caught the Pottsville pharmacy manager driving on a Queensland licence under her parents’ Runcorn address when her New South Wales licence was suspended.

Mrs Murdock attempted to appeal the suspension on Tuesday on the grounds she was a fit and proper person to hold a licence.

But Magistrate Michael Dakin was quick to dismiss the application when it was revealed the 40-year-old had accumulated 26, mostly speeding related, traffic offences in Queensland between 1988 and 2008.

Her NSW record was not publicly available.

The long-time campaigner for extra police resources on the Tweed was forced to apologise yesterday.

“I am sorry,” Mrs Murdock said in a statement sent to the Tweed Daily News.

“While I never caused any accidents or drove under the influence, an accumulation of demerit points, particularly over double demerit weekends, has led the RTA to suspend my driving privileges until next April.”

She claimed she transferred to a Queensland licence earlier in the year when she temporarily lived with her parents in Brisbane.

“I looked for legal means to avoid losing my driving licence, and with hindsight now regret that too.”

“Like many local working mums, I do a lot of driving and I just didn’t give myself enough time to get from one place to another.”

“I fully support the road rules, accept the court’s decision and hope this will serve as a reminder to others that you really do have to keep a very close eye on your speed.”

The RTA sent a letter to Mrs Murdock’s Queensland address stating it had banned her from driving in NSW and she took up the option to appeal the decision at court.

“The RTA was advised you have transferred your licence to another state ... in view of the demerit points that have accrued for an offence committed by you while your former NSW driver’s licence was subject to good behaviour conditions, the RTA has determined that it will take action in respect to your driving privileges in this state (NSW),” the letter, which was submitted to the court, said.

“Driving privileges which allow you to drive in (NSW) while the holder of a driver’s licence in another jurisdiction will be withdrawn.”

Mrs Murdock said she hoped the incident would help others avoid the same fate.

“There is a silver lining in every cloud. In this case, I hope some of the people reading about this will take the foot off the pedal and avoid suffering a similar fate.”

Mrs Murdock is the president of the Pottsville Beach Business Association and narrowly missed election to the Tweed Shire Council last year.

If her nomination is accepted by the National Party on December 6, she will be up against former Tweed mayor Joan van Lieshout and current Richmond MP and sitting member Justine Elliot.

Mrs Murdock and her husband Colin have three young boys and have operated pharmacies at Pottsville for 14 years.

Source: Tweed Daily News

Going batty over feral humans. Animalia......[3]

Going batty over feral humans

The bats of the Lower Clarence have recently held a meeting to discuss the problems feral humans (which are rumoured to be boat people) are causing in their community.

These boat people apparently arrived some time ago down south somewhere and have been spreading across the country causing problems with the locals wherever they have turned up.

Spokesman for the bats, Rufus, said: "We don't want any of these boat scum in our community. If you let even one of them into the community then it quickly becomes a ghetto.

"They put their boxes up everywhere, vandalism and the crime rate go through the roof, they start cutting down bat houses and harassing law abiding bats that are going about their daily business."

He then added: "After a hard nights work out in the forest pollinating the trees and trying to earn a living so that they can feed their children, they return home to get a good days rest only to find that they are continually harassed by the humans making loud noises and throwing things at them.

"And the racket coming from the place where they keep their young, which are apparently called schools, is quite unbelievable -screaming, screeching and yelling. It is almost impossible to get some sleep.

"Also, there is a foul stench coming from their camps. Some of this comes from the tin boxes they move about in, some from the mechanical contraptions that they push around the grass on weekends, and some from evil smelling burning weeds which they have in their mouths."

The bats have hired an environmental consultant, who after an extensive study of the problem has recommended that Maclean and Iluka be bulldozed and the trees left to reclaim the area and restore it to its former pristine condition.

However, some bats have said that this would only be a short-term solution and that the humans should be rounded up and sent back to where they originally came from -'The African Solution' the bats called it.

The Africans are understood to be resisting this idea, particularly the chimpanzees and the gorillas, who said that the human's behaviour was an embarrassment to the whole family and they did not want them back.

However, a group of red-neck extremist bats has called for the total eradication of the species, saying that the humans had arrived uninvited, were illegal immigrants, were an introduced feral pest that caused massive environmental destruction, and were obviously vermin by any definition of the word.

A vote was held which was attended by all the bats, plus other interested groups such as the marsupials, birds, fish, reptiles and the local vegetation, plus a few mammals.

The result of this vote, which was nearly unanimous, was that eradication was the best solution. Dogs and cats were undecided and wanted more time to consider the merits of the proposal.

As a result of the community consensus vote, a deputation has been sent to Mother Earth to see if humans can be evicted from the planet, as they are bad neighbours who create problems everywhere they are found and don't seem able to get on with anyone.

Mother Nature is considering the proposal and was last seen muttering to herself: "Better an empty house than a bad tenant."

M CASEY,

Grafton.

[Photograph and text,The Daily Examiner, letter to the editor column, 10 November 2009]