Teh Red Herring gets fan mail

The NSW North Coast has a number of fairly regular letter to the editor correspondents, but none more prolific than Fred Perring in the Clarence Valley.
Fred's published letters are greeted with a smile at absurdity or a groan of real pain in many Valley households.
Here is a 'fan' letter that made it into print in The Daily Examiner on 16 November 2009.

Wasted time

I DON'T know why all those academics waste years of their time and money learning all about physics, chemistry, mathematics, meteorology, climatology, geology, biology, ecology, statistical analysis and such.
I mean you have to go to university for three or four years, then do an honours year of study on a project, then if you are good enough, spend another two or three years to become somewhat expert in some field of study by gaining a PhD, and working for more years in the area of your chosen field to continually improve your knowledge and skills.
Instead of spending all of that time and money gaining considerable knowledge and expertise, just become a bulldozer driver like Fred, and you will automatically become an expert on anything and have strong opinions on everything (even things you don't have the slightest knowledge about).
Pay some earthmoving company a few hundred bucks to show you which knobs to move on the bulldozer, then go down to the RTA and sit for the licence.
Once you have done this you will become an expert in climate change, bat migration behaviour, politics, economics, whether or not sea levels are rising.
Complex issues like the functioning of the world's economy and the workings of the planet will be like child's play for you - after all, all you will need is a strong opinion and a typewriter to write letters to the editor.
You won't need to bother with trivialities like evidence, proofs, statistical analysis on any issue. Think how simple life will become.
So next time you have a bad pain behind your temple and a strange discharge coming out your nose, don't bother to get the opinion of a neurosurgeon, give Fred a call.
And if you think the safety/ survival of yourself and your children is at risk from catastrophic climate change, stop worrying, Fred has declared it to be a greenie conspiracy, and all those scientists who are giving daily warnings about impending danger are either mad, or even worse, 'greenies'.
For those of you who have had the misfortune not to have seen one of Fred's letters I will give a summary of the letters to the editor he has written (or is ever likely to write).
Regarding politics - the Liberal/National Party can do nothing wrong, the Labor Party can do nothing right, John Howard is God (or at least Fred's version thereof).
If there is a bushfire somewhere it is not caused by the red-neck idiot that lit it with a match or cigarette lighter, it is the greenies fault. After all everyone knows that National Parks spontaneously burst into flame at the slightest opportunity (or they seem to since humans arrived?).
If your football team lost or your chooks won't lay eggs or your car won't start it is being caused by those greenies somehow.
So I personally will rest safe and secure in my bed knowing Fred is on the job, solving all of the world's problems with his trusty typewriter (I somehow think that Fred is pre-computer era).

M CASEY,

Grafton.