Malcolm Turnbull feeds the cat and other Aussie tall tales this week

At last the MSM is starting to poke fun at Federal Opposition Leader Malcolm Turnbull with this worthy effort from Chris Henning on Friday in The Sydney Morning Herald:

Malcolm Turnbull feeds the cat

The Turnbull kitchen. A large table surrounded by metal-framed chairs is in the centre; on it a heavy vase with large flowers. The Turnbull cat, Kevin, is hanging around the fridge. Enter right the Leader of the Opposition.

Malcolm Turnbull: Hullo! Malcolm Turnbull. It's Kevin, isn't it? Wonderful to see you again. (Shakes cat's paw.)
Cat: Meow.
MT: (Jocular, but rather ponderous) May I call you Kev? I detect a need for food, Kev. (Looks in fridge.) Nothing there for cats.
Cat: Meow. (Weaves excitedly around Turnbull's legs.)
MT: What? What is it?
(Cat leaps into open fridge and hauls out a T-bone.)
MT: Hey! (Cat starts chewing on it noisily.) That's my dinner. (MT lunges for the steak, but the cat is too quick, and drags it nimbly away beneath the kitchen table.)
MT (Earnest now): Look. With respect, you are being unreasonable. Give it back.
(Cat looks at him, impassive. Then resumes chewing. Turnbull opens and shuts cupboards and drawers noisily, looking for some sort of weapon. He finds a potato masher.)
MT: When facing a determined adversary, it helps to negotiate from a position of strength. (On all fours, pokes ineffectually at cat between legs of kitchen chairs. Cat looks at him quizzically, resumes chewing.)
MT: Kevin! Listen to me. Without in any way conceding your point, I am willing to take a bipartisan approach. (Cat does not respond. Turnbull is slowly turning pink. There is a tone of barely controlled rage in his voice.)
MT: Now this is a very generous offer. If you concede the unchewed half of the steak, I am willing to forgo the chewed portion. (Cat ignores him.)
MT (Bellows): KEVIN! Give me the steak! Now! (Cat insouciant, swallows large piece of meat.)
MT (Shouting): Don't think I can't see your tactic, Kevin. You think you are smart, but I am smarter. (Crawls under table. Chair legs scrape noisily as he pushes his way through.) You may be large, but I am larger. (Cat looks at him briefly, then chews on. Turnbull is now crawling head down, bum up, beneath several chairs at once.) You are persistent, but I am more persistent. I am here for the long haul, Kevin. My stamina is legendary. (Cat wolfs down another large piece, as several chairs fall over.) You may possess a certain animal cunning but ask anyone you like - my IQ is incomparably greater than yours.

Turnbull tries to force his way through, but the chairs are too thick, and he is also kneeling on his own tie. Finally, with a bellow of rage, he stands up, tipping over the table, and sending chairs, flowers, vase and water crashing to the ground.
The cat flees, leaving behind a well-chewed bone.


While Mercurius at Larvatus Prodeo provided this nice touch of satire:

Welcome to Young Liberal University

Thanks to the mysterious workings of Australia Post, I received in error this letter originally intended for Nigel Freitas:

Greetings, future Captain of Industry!

I'd like to extend the warmest of welcomes to you and your trust fund sponsor for choosing Young Liberal University, Australia's newest and fastest-growing campus.

After careful consideration of your academic record, and even more careful consideration of the cheque you enclosed, we are delighted to accept your application. I can also confirm that we mailed your receipt to the Bahamas address you specified on the post-it note labeled *VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!*

At YLU, we guarantee academic freedom for every student. And I don't mean that obsolete notion that academics should be free to pursue the truth without fear or favour. Real academic freedom exists where students like you are no longer required to engage with any ideas other than those with which you arrived. And we guarantee that's exactly how you'll graduate.

Our motto is Truth through Balance. Truth is more precious than anything, especially evidence that contradicts the Truth. And Balance helps us arrive at the Truth by ensuring that everything and everyone remains in their Proper Place.

That is why our fair and balanced curriculum includes:

• Chair of Flat Earth Studies: to address this long-neglected aspect of geographical research.
• Karl Rove School of Pre-Emptive Existentialism: Can you solve the world's toughest philosophical conundrum — I Know You Are But What Am I?
• Andrew Bolt Institute of Environmental Studies: Prerequisites are Cherry-Picking 101 and Advanced Moral Indignation.
• The Wilson Tuckey Centre for Indigenous Research: Now conducting ground-breaking research into the benefits of breeding out the colour, why missing children aren't missed all that much; and a shiny, happy look at labour gangs.

And, as a special preview of our next semester's courses, I invite you to consider:

• The Mervyn Bendle Armchair of Peace & Conflict Studies
  Learn at the feet of the master as you grapple with such tough questions as: Are false dichotomies just rhetorical tricks to support spurious arguments, or can they reveal the traitors in our midst?

• The Who You Know Sociology Centre
  Announcing our latest course - Oppressing the Subaltern in the 21st Century: explores the interplay of language and power as used by the nation-state and mass media in the suppression of the KKK, neo-Nazis, Holocaust deniers and other free thinkers.

But of course, university life is about so much more than just hitting the books. We also have a vibrant Arts and Sports curriculum that includes:

• The Miranda Devine Gallery: Come and view Michaelangelo's David as it was always meant to be seen — locked away in the basement of the Vice Squad's Child Protection Unit.
• The Grace of God Holy Rollers: Our ever-reliable singers are in unison on every single word, and you can even preach to the choir!
• Alan Jones Memorial Rugby Foundation: With new coach Tony Abbott, you can engage in all kinds of drug-related misdemeanours, sexual indiscretions and sublimated homoeroticism, secure in the knowledge that what goes on tour, stays on tour.

At YLU, we also look after our students with a host of support services, and our Dean of Students Keith Windschuttle is always available to help with your revision.

Finally, isn't it reassuring to think that once you graduate, our alumni association the Old School Tie Society, will be ready to assist you with access to the nation's boardrooms and most prestigious clubs? (no ladies, please.)

So, once again, thank you for choosing YLU. Together, we'll bring out the White, Christian and British best in Australia.

Yours sincerely,

Kevin Donnelly
Founding Chancellor
Young Liberal University

Well done Chris and Merc for once again proving that the pen is mightier!

Monsanto and its insidious influence is no laughing matter

From The Canberra Times on Tuesday:

THE food authority responsible for approving genetically modified products has been accused of pandering to agrochemical giants at the expense of consumer health, in a report set to be released today analysing the authority's recent decisions.

Food Standards Australia New Zealand is gambling with the health of consumers, the director of the University of Canterbury's Centre for Integrated Research in Biosafety, Professor Jack Heinemann has warned, and is one of only a few regulators to have approved every application for genetically engineered food products.

"Many other regulators have at least stood up once where FSANZ appears to have cowered under industry or political pressure," Professor Heinemann said, describing the authority as the victim of "flawed legislation that mixes the goals of trade and public health".

Over the past 12 years the authority has approved more than 50 varieties of genetically engineered crops, from corn and soy to potato and sugar beet, the report, compiled by Greenpeace, found. Among the products approved despite what the organisation described as a weight of harmful evidence were:

- A strain of corn (MON863) by Monsanto found to cause liver and kidney toxicity when fed to rats in a peer-reviewed French scientific study last year.

- A Syngenta-manufactured corn (GE alpha-amylase) specifically designed to be used in bioethanol production and not intended for human consumption, yet with the potential to enter the human food chain through unchecked US imports.

- Another Syngenta corn (GE Bt10) approved by the authority despite being banned by the European Union and Japan because no safety assessments have yet been conducted.

- A Monsanto canola, still the subject of debate in the European Union and banned outright in Austria, after Monsanto's own testing found increases in liver sizes in rats by up to 16 per cent.

Endorsing the report, Professor Heinemann said many of the authority's decisions on genetically engineered food were based on assumptions, and "picking and choosing only the science [the authority] wants to believe". Moreover, while in Europe, Asia, the Middle East and South Africa more stringent food labelling laws are being passed, in Australia genetically engineered products such as oils, starches and sugars as well as meat, milk, cheese and eggs produced by animals that have been fed genetically engineered crops still require no labelling. Food from restaurants and takeaway outlets is also exempt.

The report notes that current labelling legislation is at odds with the ALP's national platform and constitution published last year, which stated that the party supported comprehensive labelling of genetically modified food.

The minister responsible for food labelling, Senator Jan McLucas, has not responded to the Herald's queries.

A spokeswoman for the Department of Health and Ageing defended the authority, saying all decisions on genetically engineered food were the result of "careful assessment of human health and environmental risks".

Kay McNiece said: "The safety assessment process �c is based on internationally accepted methods and approaches." This was endorsed by the World Health Organisation.

Source: http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2008/10/20/1224351155224.

Is it any wonder then that Monsanto, with such obvious clout, resisted these 2007 calls:

** Napa, California -- Harrington Investments, Inc., (HII) a socially responsible investment advisory firm, has introduced a binding by-law amendment that would limit Monsanto Corporation's ability to protect directors when they violate their fiduciary duty in cases resulting in 'harm to the natural environment, public health, or human rights.'

"Monsanto has a long history of selling potentially dangerous chemicals and genetically engineered products that may negatively impact human health and the global environment, as well as impair shareholder value," said John Harrington, President and CEO of Harrington Investments. "Corporate directors need to take personal responsibility in overseeing management to insure that the corporation's actions speak louder than the CEO's words."

** The new vehicle for improving corporate governance will be on the proxy for the January 16, 2008 shareholder meeting at Monsanto (MON).

"We chose Monsanto as our target for this new approach, because we view this company as facing significant legal and reputational liabilities that might have been prevented with better board oversight. These include allegations of selling potentially dangerous products abroad, bribing foreign government officials, and releasing genetically engineered products that have not been proven safe for human consumption or the natural environment. Such activities are bad for our company's reputation, and could lead to substantial liabilities," said Harrington.

As recent legal actions against the company demonstrate, failure of the management to oversee these issues can lead to significant liabilities. In 2005, Monsanto was forced to pay a $1.5 million fine to settle allegations that employees bribed Indonesian officials to bypass environmental laws. In January of this year, a French court fined Monsanto Agriculture France SAS and Monsanto's French distributor, Scotts France, after a former chairman of Monsanto Agriculture France was found guilty of false advertising. Then, in February of this year, it was reported that the British Environment Agency had begun an investigation into "one of the most contaminated sites in Wales" - a former Monsanto dump that could cost more than $200 million to clean up according to a reported estimate. In October of this year, Monsanto was sued by dozens of West Virginians alleging that pollution from a now-defunct Monsanto factory caused them to contract various types of cancer; they are seeking $5 million each in compensatory damages and $300 million in punitive damages. This lawsuit is particularly worrisome to investors because it is reminiscent of a 2002 settlement in which the company agreed to pay the preponderance of a $700 million settlement to offset damages to human health and the natural environment in Anniston, Alabama.

A new photographer comes to the Clarence Valley

Yamba storm front
We will rock you
Camryn on the grass

Samantha Jefferson

Gimme, gimme, gimme (some greed after midnight)...

Yamba fringe festival starts tonight! Surfing the Coldstream, Friday 24 to Sunday 26 October 2008

Sun, sand, surf and theatre in Northern New South Wales!

Starting with the Tent of Marvels tonight at the Big Top, Yamba Oval from 7pm - 11pm and the Yaegl Welcome to Country ceremony on Saturday at noon on Yamba Oval, this is a weekend filled morning to night with bands, singers, street performance, drummers, poetry, dance, cabaret, art walk, workshops, good food, bar and a riverside market.

Right in the heart of Yamba village at the mouth of the mighty Clarence river - everyone's welcome!!

This is a free entry event.

Just how dishonest is The Oz willing to be?

It would be hard to miss recent argument and counter-argument concerning the Rudd Government pledge to guarantee all deposits held in APRA-regulated financial institutions.
The media has been playing the Federal Opposition's attack for all it is worth.

The Australian in an effort to act as Teh Opposition Gazette worked really hard to make the grade and ended up basically accusing the Rudd Government and Treasury of lying over the issue of an unlimited guarantee.

Along with Liberal Senator Abetz*, it was caught out using this tack and Treasury Secretary Henry told a Senate estimates economics hearing that The Australian's report was W.R.O.N.G.!

In the process Ken Henry pointed out that the issue of capping the amount at which deposits would be able to evade a levy was being considered:

“Far be it from me to offend anyone, and especially you Senator,” Henry began drily, “ but there’s been some misunderstanding about the term ‘cap’.” He went on to explain the difference between a cap on the guarantee and a cap at which point deposits would be treated as wholesale lending and thus attract a cost to access the guarantee. [Crikey.com.au, 22 October 2008]

Now after declaring it was right all along, The Australian has switched tactics and in a less than honest report it included a virtually unreadable version of the Stevens letter to Henry dealing with the levy.
Obviously hoping that the general public will conflate the two cap types.

The Australian version of the Stevens letter here.

* I would wishfully like to think the reason why the relevant online Senate transcript was not available at time of writing was because a contrite Senator Abetz and staff were busying trying unsuccessfully to obliterate his very unwise remarks from Hansard and history.

At what point does a regional newspaper die, fade away or simply get killed off by its inept editor?

The Daily Examiner out of Grafton on the NSW North Coast has been around a long time. Since 1859 in fact.

It has had its ups and downs, but is still strongly supported and rather affectionately known as The Egg Timer - because local wags are convinced that you can always read it cover-to-cover in under three minutes.

If one local is any indication, that affection has begun to slip since Peter Chapman became this newspaper's editor.
With what could only be described as indignation, Tuesday's opinion page was pushed under my nose that day and, one of the many inconsistencies of the 'new' editor pointed out to me.

I have to say that I see the point.

The Daily Examiner had previously begun a juvenile, weekly name and shame file for DOI drivers convicted by the court.
Convictions, names, street addresses, and up until now professions or job descriptions if available, were published with gay abandon.
It seems that the editor subscribes to the notion that convicted persons should be punished twice - once by the court and once by his good self. All in the name of a supposed push to curb local drink driving.

So it was rather surprising to see the editor on that particular opinion page both defend his DOI file and at the same time encourage people to go forth and gamble at the Pacific Hotel in Yamba and "cheer on the long shots. Two hours of free booze is just as good as backing the winner yourself." [The Daily Examiner,Grafton,Tuesday October 21 2008,p.8]

Yes, there it was, the editor encouraging a booze up.

I wasn't surprised when my friend's observations ended with words to the effect that Chapman had been doing the rounds of the Clarence Valley in a meet and greet exercise obviously looking for positive strokes like 'you're wonderful, Peter', but that she was damned if she was going to go up and give him what he wanted.

This little incident occurred in the same week Chapman was being taken to task in the letters column for his 'advertorials', a recent downer on a Lower Clarence festival and for proclaiming the death of a village which knew itself to be alive and kicking.

But then, since Chapman arrived on the scene, proclaiming a death ahead of time is not unknown in The Daily Examiner.

Personally I'm looking forward to hearing the hiss of collectively indrawn breath when it is realised that, in defending yet another of his recent by-line pieces yesterday, Chapman incorrectly cited Clarence Valley Council rules and regulations regarding domestic animals as a justification for his little spit.