Malcolm Turnbull feeds the cat
The Turnbull kitchen. A large table surrounded by metal-framed chairs is in the centre; on it a heavy vase with large flowers. The Turnbull cat, Kevin, is hanging around the fridge. Enter right the Leader of the Opposition.
Malcolm Turnbull: Hullo! Malcolm Turnbull. It's Kevin, isn't it? Wonderful to see you again. (Shakes cat's paw.)
Cat: Meow.
MT: (Jocular, but rather ponderous) May I call you Kev? I detect a need for food, Kev. (Looks in fridge.) Nothing there for cats.
Cat: Meow. (Weaves excitedly around Turnbull's legs.)
MT: What? What is it?
(Cat leaps into open fridge and hauls out a T-bone.)
MT: Hey! (Cat starts chewing on it noisily.) That's my dinner. (MT lunges for the steak, but the cat is too quick, and drags it nimbly away beneath the kitchen table.)
MT (Earnest now): Look. With respect, you are being unreasonable. Give it back.
(Cat looks at him, impassive. Then resumes chewing. Turnbull opens and shuts cupboards and drawers noisily, looking for some sort of weapon. He finds a potato masher.)
MT: When facing a determined adversary, it helps to negotiate from a position of strength. (On all fours, pokes ineffectually at cat between legs of kitchen chairs. Cat looks at him quizzically, resumes chewing.)
MT: Kevin! Listen to me. Without in any way conceding your point, I am willing to take a bipartisan approach. (Cat does not respond. Turnbull is slowly turning pink. There is a tone of barely controlled rage in his voice.)
MT: Now this is a very generous offer. If you concede the unchewed half of the steak, I am willing to forgo the chewed portion. (Cat ignores him.)
MT (Bellows): KEVIN! Give me the steak! Now! (Cat insouciant, swallows large piece of meat.)
MT (Shouting): Don't think I can't see your tactic, Kevin. You think you are smart, but I am smarter. (Crawls under table. Chair legs scrape noisily as he pushes his way through.) You may be large, but I am larger. (Cat looks at him briefly, then chews on. Turnbull is now crawling head down, bum up, beneath several chairs at once.) You are persistent, but I am more persistent. I am here for the long haul, Kevin. My stamina is legendary. (Cat wolfs down another large piece, as several chairs fall over.) You may possess a certain animal cunning but ask anyone you like - my IQ is incomparably greater than yours.
Turnbull tries to force his way through, but the chairs are too thick, and he is also kneeling on his own tie. Finally, with a bellow of rage, he stands up, tipping over the table, and sending chairs, flowers, vase and water crashing to the ground.
The cat flees, leaving behind a well-chewed bone.
While Mercurius at Larvatus Prodeo provided this nice touch of satire:
Welcome to Young Liberal University
Thanks to the mysterious workings of Australia Post, I received in error this letter originally intended for Nigel Freitas:
Greetings, future Captain of Industry!
I'd like to extend the warmest of welcomes to you and your trust fund sponsor for choosing Young Liberal University, Australia's newest and fastest-growing campus.
After careful consideration of your academic record, and even more careful consideration of the cheque you enclosed, we are delighted to accept your application. I can also confirm that we mailed your receipt to the Bahamas address you specified on the post-it note labeled *VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!*
At YLU, we guarantee academic freedom for every student. And I don't mean that obsolete notion that academics should be free to pursue the truth without fear or favour. Real academic freedom exists where students like you are no longer required to engage with any ideas other than those with which you arrived. And we guarantee that's exactly how you'll graduate.
Our motto is Truth through Balance. Truth is more precious than anything, especially evidence that contradicts the Truth. And Balance helps us arrive at the Truth by ensuring that everything and everyone remains in their Proper Place.
That is why our fair and balanced curriculum includes:
- Chair of Flat Earth Studies: to address this long-neglected aspect of geographical research.
- Karl Rove School of Pre-Emptive Existentialism: Can you solve the world's toughest philosophical conundrum — I Know You Are But What Am I?
- Andrew Bolt Institute of Environmental Studies: Prerequisites are Cherry-Picking 101 and Advanced Moral Indignation.
- The Wilson Tuckey Centre for Indigenous Research: Now conducting ground-breaking research into the benefits of breeding out the colour, why missing children aren't missed all that much; and a shiny, happy look at labour gangs.
And, as a special preview of our next semester's courses, I invite you to consider:
- The Mervyn Bendle Armchair of Peace & Conflict Studies
Learn at the feet of the master as you grapple with such tough questions as: Are false dichotomies just rhetorical tricks to support spurious arguments, or can they reveal the traitors in our midst?
- The Who You Know Sociology Centre
Announcing our latest course - Oppressing the Subaltern in the 21st Century: explores the interplay of language and power as used by the nation-state and mass media in the suppression of the KKK, neo-Nazis, Holocaust deniers and other free thinkers.
But of course, university life is about so much more than just hitting the books. We also have a vibrant Arts and Sports curriculum that includes:
- The Miranda Devine Gallery: Come and view Michaelangelo's David as it was always meant to be seen — locked away in the basement of the Vice Squad's Child Protection Unit.
- The Grace of God Holy Rollers: Our ever-reliable singers are in unison on every single word, and you can even preach to the choir!
- Alan Jones Memorial Rugby Foundation: With new coach Tony Abbott, you can engage in all kinds of drug-related misdemeanours, sexual indiscretions and sublimated homoeroticism, secure in the knowledge that what goes on tour, stays on tour.
At YLU, we also look after our students with a host of support services, and our Dean of Students Keith Windschuttle is always available to help with your revision.
Finally, isn't it reassuring to think that once you graduate, our alumni association the Old School Tie Society, will be ready to assist you with access to the nation's boardrooms and most prestigious clubs? (no ladies, please.)
So, once again, thank you for choosing YLU. Together, we'll bring out the White, Christian and British best in Australia.
Yours sincerely,
Kevin Donnelly
Founding Chancellor
Young Liberal University
Well done Chris and Merc for once again proving that the pen is mightier!
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